Anger is easy — it is meditative. Certainly not in a traditional sense, but I can find solace in the rumination. Other times, I just cry. I’ve been crying a lot recently. It has been a few months, so my body has likely processed out all of the schizo medication. These were my thoughts going into the medication; “tomorrow will be my first day on antidepressants and it is a very scary thing. As the person that I am, the person and the mind that I’m used to having, are things that may disappear overnight, and I’m really scared of losing a part of myself permanently. There have been many instances in my life that I’d best compare to someone unempathetic to my situation to the feeling of dried sweat in your skin — a feeling of uncomfortableness. It’s something that people can bring about or situations or places but you’ll be surrounded by friends or loved ones or maybe all by yourself and that feeling will come on to you. Like you just need to get out go somewhere safe, somewhere alone. Sometimes you don’t know what you need. Sometimes I’ll be sitting by myself, and I just can’t control my thoughts. I’ll put objectives into my head of things I would like to do or should do will do have done, and those thoughts become completely uncontrollable — and the only thing I feel I need is another human there to experience with me. I’ve found very few people that I can just talk to you about numerous things. A lot of people will bring on the quote unquote dried sweat feeling a lot of situations, and there there really is no safe space. There’s just no time when I feel completely comfortable. Closest thing I’d say I have a to a safe space would be my room at home, and yet it feels uncomfortable when other people are in it. Maybe the truth of the matter is I just don’t feel comfortable around other people, but these thoughts and feelings still come to myself when I’m by myself. I see humanity declining at a rapid rate. Covid is definitely no help in that matter, and I can say confidently that my mental state has deteriorated exponentially over the course of this pandemic. My ability to either differentiate between right and wrong — reality and fiction. I as someone who’s grown up surrounded by a constant influx of media, a perpetual stream of media — the the feeling of being encapsulated in a piece of media to the point where it erodes at your mind is something that, I can really easily steep into any give any given moment; but there’s something familiar in this feeling of unease, as in these moments I can always self-reflect. I can always look inside myself and acknowledge that I am uncomfortable whether or not I should be. It’s a moment of inner dialogue that I appreciate being able to have. Myself, I cannot go second in my day without 50 voices going off — all my voice I’m not schizophrenic, but without numerous voices inside my head you know just thinking whatever could be thought, whatever can be thought; and while it it can be a lot too, it can be a lot to spoon through a lot to comb through it. I’m still thinking what I need to think, what I feel in that moment. I need to know and it it all just comes down to willpower, and whether or not you have the power over your body — whether you have the power over your mind. I feel like most people don’t. I, to many extents, definitely do not, but I feel like it’s on a very different axis than what I view on a daily basis. Moving into this new chapter of what used to be my life, I’m met with nothing but fear/anxiety, whether or not those things are mediated by medication. I’m still very scared. I’ve been going to therapy for a long time now, and I feel it has not helped at all. I’ve seen numerous different people over long periods of time, and none of it’s helped. A lot of it could be because these people are part of the problem, part of a different subset potentially. I really don’t know, but consider this my last moments as me as I know myself right now. As I reflect on my life the choices I’ve made, good or bad, I’d say that I’ve gone down a path that I can appreciate. I can look at the experiences that I’ve had, all the times I’ve been hurt or troubled — random anxiety attacks or a moment of camaraderie with my lifelong companions. I can reflect on these moments, and I can say confidently that I want to change a thing given the opportunity. Now, whether or not I’m ever able to think on the same level that I do today, I want it to be known that I’m going into this with my horizons brightened. I want to come out a better person, but the state being the way it is, in terms of medication and neurological knowledge — laziness more than likely, I’m going to be jumping around medication numerous different medications for the next few years of my life potentially. When I approach this impressionistic fuzz, I think to myself how would I know I’m on the right one. All I know is now and while a lot of it has been those dried sweat covered moments, if some of it is better and some of it is worse, how do I know? That it’s correct what is normality in that capacity with any two given points the the relation between them could be anything. If I ask you to draw a line from point a to point b, that line has now become any length. Without a third point where that point b the axis that we’re plotting on or a constant in a scientific experiment. You always need a basis to draw everything else up against and without that you have nothing. You have a meaningless point of data. I would like to be able to just take one medication and be done, but it seems like this more than likely not gonna be the reality of my situation. It’s only gets more complicated when we start talking about milligrams and dosages. More so than, my occasional unrest when it comes to dealing with my own mind. I’m just really upset with the way the world was turned out. This was just not the future that we were promised, and it’s painful to see the world unfold into increasingly negative ways each day. People go at each other’s necks on social media every second. You have to wonder just why on all these things when, when I’m doing some sort of psychedelic drug, I often find myself in what I describe as my my dream world — a partitioned section of my subconscious and areas I will often visit in reoccurring dreams, and here why I feel nothing but an interlocking connection between all humanity. This idea that, while the world may be strange at least we have each other. It’s just really not the truth. That idea that mentality is brought about through hallucinations or tapping into, you could say, a more spiritual you. Say it’s tapping into the the hive mind — the central linking element of the human subconscious, regardless it’s all a fallacy. It’s all farce. I know from my experiences there are very few people in this world that care about me on the most genuine levels. Being brought together with someone through complete circumstance is great if you continue to talk and be kind to each other, but the fact of the matter is, everyone’s world needs friends. Everyone in this world needs a lover. Everyone in this world has a father and a mother, at least at some point — and these chance situations that we find ourselves in are just that there’s very few things that bind most people to one another other than these circumstances and a need to fill these social roles that we need on a mental health level, an emotional level. Then you drift back into the impressionistic haze, and you start questioning again ‘well then what is the constant? What is the third point? What is my my plane for differentiating between a real relationship and a fake one? What are my axis’s?’ I really wouldn’t be surprised if the jig was up soon. 2020 has been a crazy year, and if it were all to end now, I would not be in the slightest surprised. It’s been like a like a Windows and a shutdown process — random bits and bytes being thrown to the wayside, categorized stored quickly; random access memory being deleted. Our world is falling apart. People are falling apart. I feel like we’re just about to get the bad ending and tomorrow, I will get my bad ending.” What a crazy nut, huh?

“just stumped into the weirdest fucking rabbit hole. I was on lainchan which is a site full of super techie guys, right. Browsing some threads as I do, and I stumble across a pic of someone’s thinkpad. It was cloveros installed on it. It is a fork of gentoo linux which is an obscure linux distro that 4chan g idolizes. I start looking at the cloveros website. I’ve been there before but I’m just curious to see if anything has been updated. The site is pretty barren. Doesn’t look like it has been updated in a few years. I decide to go back to my search. I remember that the people that make cloveros were trying to get it added to distrowatch- a website that archives information about different linux distros. Scrolling down my search, I see a result for 8kun. ‘Damn I forgot that existed’. I assume that it is likely a thread or post on g or tech. Wrong. It is a thread in a cloveros board. ‘Hmm- oh I remember this.’ I’d been there before- years ago, back before 8chan got eradicated. I am looking at the threads and actually begin to remember a few. Idk if they had been archived and reuploaded after the site went down or if people had just been making the same threads after the fact. I come across a thread from just a few months ago. Zero replies. Embedded youtube video. ‘I’ll just leave this here. And you will click it. And you will watch it.’ I click on the video. Video made around the same time. 2K views. Still cartoon girl, reminiscent of the red head from Gravity Falls, standing in front of a beautiful mountain town; wasp clothing and an armband with a strange symbol. A poorly animated mouth starts reading some 4chan copypasta of a chick showing a hkvirgin her tits, all text to speech. Uninteresting video. 20 comments. 45 likes. 41 dislikes. Subcount hidden. Something had me strangely pulled in though. I decide to look at the channel. Has around 14 uploads. Most recent hours ago. Oldest, 2 years. Nothing but still animations and text to speech….”
— 20200830 me before I discovered murdoch murdoch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99eXdeI2MM4 weird ass video referred to

You are dead. You are a shell and a husk of a man. Your actions are derived solely through determinisms placed by advertisers. Bacon wasn’t even breakfast food until we were “told” it was healthy. There isn’t even one set palette of diet to apply to people. It is acknowledged with diabetes — but not race. “No because all races of man are the same; the human race.” It is almost like testosterone is declining. Is that because we are telling Aryan men to eat white chicken breast? It certainly isn’t helping. The same laissez-faire types, that want to defund the police, are down with being brainwashed by known bad actors in industry. Cultural marxism tells capable women to get abortions because it is “empowering”, and so does the guy that owns the abortion clinic. “I was raped when I went to a drug filled house party!” Shut up before I rape you for real. Hypocrisy is nothing new to women or business; for both, there will always be a bent knee ready to bow to retardation. Tournament mating works identically to monopolization. Lower the testosterone, bimboify them — this is how any amount of moral tact disintegrates. Did you know that a DNA test can gauge how much you enjoy ASMR? It’s true. What race do you think likes ASMR the most? I haven’t got a clue either. On the other hand, look at IQ distribution versus lactose intolerance (image above). What do you have to say to that you sussy baka globalist? “hunter biden? phfff still not as bad as not giving out free Insulin” the western ideal has been altered and twisted beyond repair — faggotry, cuckoldry; each passing generation leaves the west more broken and hollow. All of these social policies and handouts have an end. Look at Russia where the population is too drunk to do anything. NEETs eat tendies and pump their brains with a never-ending stream of dopamine through the internet and masturbation. Society is crumbling around us. I don’t know why anyone would defends the constitution as a means of enforcing anything. Everyone seems fine with letting it be shat on and torn. Socialists are slaves to the government. Your democratic abilities mean little against braindead masses begging for “more gibs”. You libs are so quick to jump to the holocaust parable of “first they came for x then they came for y”, well what if they first came for the rich and successful — the ones pure of heart and ethic. Men who made it in the post-capitalist wasteland (small business owners). Everyone knows it isn’t the Bezos or the Gates that are having their taxes raised, its the Puerto Ricans immigrant dentist who just started his own practice. Just because you have no intention to live your american dream to the fullest, isn’t any excuse to pull others down with you. joe biden molests his own kids and he plans to do they same to america. Guy can’t even go for a drive without having to fake it with a second wheel in the car.

The idea that we are all destine to do great things, and that you must stride for as such. Compliance is not an option — venture the world with rigor and passion. The will over all else. Mind over matter.

become conscious of evil and hear the devil’s song

Society is going to shit. Civilization is collapsing. People may disagree — say this is the most progressive time in history. Others will say that things aren’t as fucked as they appear to be. Most of the people that open up to me are completely sane. Once you crack that egg, they tell you they don’t buy into any of the propaganda either. Sadly, this isn’t the case everywhere. Businesses have become so focused on college degrees because they want us all to go to college — to have our minds melted and sanded down dancing circles around the imprecision in our language. They want us to be having public sex, smoking crack in ghettos, all women paraded in BDSM gear. If this became reality, you would go along with it because you are a libcuck retard monkeylover dogfucker. Maybe some ancestral magic can guide us back to civility and normalcy. In the mean time, it all falls into your hands. Will you act or will you malinger? Everyday our bodies weaken and our minds become frail. You aren’t to blame — you have to see paradoxical morons at work, at the store, maybe even at home. It is time to get cooking.

“Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.” The Bible was pretty blunt about it. We are all born and die sinners, but we still need to acknowledge and at least attempt to avoid sin. “To say there’s a correct interpretation of the bible is silly”. Is there a correct interpretation of the Constitution? This is the argument for why we have textualism and purposivism — do we read the words and just the words or does context have any saying in the reality of those words? Poisoning the well a bit, but it is a mute point in an overarching idea. (((They))) are morphing Christianity (and all other religions, ideologies and creeds) to fit with cultural marxist ideas. The end of that line / the end result for the blind believer — faker is “I only still believe in the death and resurrection” “the law of the light is LITERALLY the only thing that matters”. Difficult to argue when the statement has some credence. Two points, I feel like a lot of these fake Christians don’t even believe that first half; and the law of the light doesn’t get us the tradition that honestly makes Christianity most important — from a purely Earthbound perspective. Now in the age of media and cultural marxism, the move towards a non-existent value/belief set for Christians is approaching nill. “Uh but there is no right interpretation, it is all up for debate”. Well if that were the case then someone saying that Jesus would be okay with you cutting off your dick and being a transsexual, then you would have been able to amass other people that shared that same belief through dialogue and scripture. Obviously there are other social reasons that would bar that as well, but that is getting into the weeds. Once that part of the religion is completely simplified to “dude just love everyone” which in large part it has, all that is left is a fundamental belief in a God. Contradictions a modern Christian must go through on a day to day basis… I conclude that most Christians are likely to, some capacity, be closet-Atheists. Diversity of peoples and ideas is a good thing and a collective consciousness all coming to believe the same things that I see as filled to the brim with contradictions, whether a clashing with old timey beliefs or contradictions internal to left wing ideology (ie be colorblind to race but also put some peoples on a pedestal), is a bad thing. I’d defined cultural marxism as a subversion of the western way of life towards a far-left leaning world — idk hard to put into words, but I think you know where I am going with that. The idea of 100% of society very quickly moving towards an ideology, from one that was somewhat recently highly praised, is very troublesome — especially when you still hold the original belief. It is subliminal propaganda. Honestly, in a country that is so stanchly divided in national elections (51% to 49%). we really should just divide up the country. “What traditions do you think are being thrown away too quickly in a way that is damaging?” Septum rings. No, but seriously what I was saying earlier… we parade gay couples, mixed race couples, BDSM, polygamy; but heterosexual, same-age, same-race relationships? “STOP DOING THAT! IT’S JUST AN OUTDATED ARCHAIC ROLE. YOU POOR WOMAN, YOUR NEEDS AREN’T BEING MET”. “I think that such and such 90s cartoon character is gay… for no reason” “hey you are a really cute boy… sure you arent trans” “men have just convinced you that you are a ‘tomboy’ we accept you, just come out”. It is pushing the same narrative. Obviously, people are being educated one way or another that “hey did you know that sometimes guys want to fuck other guys? that’s totally normal and cool 😎 if that’s what you want, I support you.” — everyone has had this one way or another (most most most of the time i know there are exceptions like schools that dont teach simple sex ed that could save lives), point being that if you are a cute boy and you post a pic of your cute boy face, people may and have cum. People may and have asked if he is trans. People may and have told the boy that when he said “no” it is because of “systematic oppression of trans people throughout history that he believes he is cis”. Most people are normal — sorry your sissification efforts on impressionable youth isn’t going over anyone’s head. You are a pedophile with a transvestite fetish. Do bad, die worse. I kinda just want to fart on jews — i think if you just let me fart on them we can get even. Ayn Rand is a whore cheating slav wicked cunt druggie.

Once you get a girlfriend, I’ll get her to cheat with me. Get you so mad you hire a hitman from the dark web to kill me. Surprise retard! It’s a sting operation, and you are going to prison. You become a little sissy girl. I get your girlfriend pregnant and leave her with the kids, while I live the life you always thought you deserved. You are nothing. Any soul or personality you may think you have is just a pretentious facade based off of what your cynical pea brain thinks is clever, profound, and smart. You think that people will gravitate towards you, perceiving their own thoughts as dumb and your thoughts as superior by merit of your own over inflated, shortsighted ego. You are a piece of shit entitled little brat. You are always asking for attention. You have terrible abandonment issues. I promise you, the only reason people give you the time if day is because you have some semblance of seniority. You act like a toddler with borderline personality disorder, and I can’t fucking stand you. Stop cumming for me because you are jealous that I have a great personality and I’m taking all your friends.

There is much to be skeptical of in this world, so it no longer surprises me to learn how many people don’t really believe in anything — even the Bible, redacted and amended for the Romans to use as a tool for control. Our own history has been obscured. What is left to believe in? What’s the point? For many of us, the roads we walk are difficult ones, but the path is always there for us to follow — no matter how many times we may fall. The good news is that the Lord can help you find your way back. Naturally, some days are harder than others, but we must try. We all have doubts. The light of the mind alone cannot burn away all darkness on this Earth. Think on it, and look in your heart — it will be for the best. When the walls come tumbling down, when you lose everything you have, you always have family — your greater family. The fire that has kept me alive is love. God’s love and love of people. You’re not so certain. Fair enough. We all go through periods of darkness. In a world filled with misery and uncertainty, it is a great comfort to know that, in the end, there is light in the darkness. In such times, we can turn to the Lord, but it’s good to have friends, and the good Lord knows there’s much to be done here.

Coomsumerist isn’t part of the western ideal — it has been subverted. Establishments like McDonald’s couldn’t persist with its size/prices without “dual citizenship” lobbyists. This might be a cope if you’re a (((neo-con))). The west is romantic nationalism, protectionism, federation, community, destiny, honor, creed, and white. Western ideals are what took us to the Americas and space. Unlike some places like Japan where they are happy living on one small rock and developing it full. I think most cyclic minded white people hate suburbia, but can’t leave because of job obligations. Slippery slope says that a puddle must not exist if you can’t define it — Pythagoras tried to explain the humanities with an equation. Just because something can’t be definitely defined doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist — much like western culture. Of course I want to say my culture is the best, but there’s no real way to justify that step by step or in better terms, objectively. Fixing coomsumerism is about kicking out “undesirables” and seeing where the cards fall. Masses don’t always necessarily make the best decisions. During the black plague competition for labor led to the idea of class consciousness. Same has happened in America and minds have been corrupted. If you’ve seen Nightcrawler, you know why class consciousness is bad — Rick. People kill God, seize being satisfied with their lives, and Stoicism dies. Class mobility makes happiness a never ending journey. It is the sin of comparison. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to others because there will always be someone above and below you — thus it will either make you unjustifiably happy or sad/mad. Compare yourself to your past self and try to improve instead. We are all cogs. Just work for your greater good. Try to grow closer to God, rather than to run after money. God is white and says kill jews. That’s why he sent me.

If you aren’t “14”, you aren’t on my team. If your tiny, woman-like brain is too smoothed by Hollywood and the “dual-citizenship” elites to get that; sorry not sorry — breath in some of this Zyklon B. Better yet, save me the trip and livestream yourself mixing bleach and ammonia. The more you realize who your real friends are, the more you grow hatred for everyone else. “I’m sorry that you didn’t have a dad around to raise you, but I’m not going to explain this to you more than once” “NAZI”. God certainly does have a sense of humor — or maybe rather “they” really are his chosen people, and this is all part of the plan. Fuck that. Fuckers wake up everyday to slave away for billionaires, notice the issue and their dissatisfaction with life, and go “maybe if I vote for [insert democratic nominee here] things will get better”. Real solution? Revolution — kill fucking everyone. Even Ted Kaczynski is pen-pals with Greta Thunberg. So that is solution one, the one most people wouldn’t like. Solution two requires nuance, which makes it a much harder goal post to imagine. Such things lead to apathy, nihilism, and the like. Anyway, reconstruction of straight minds into cyclic minds. The end of public education — or at least a public education system moderated by Israel and liberalism. “Wow I’m leaving my child with a complete stranger, I cant believe my child has become a marxist” love or hate public school, they are the easiest way to have your child educated. your brain has been completely corrupted. You don’t see the paradox of only believing verifiable evidence in a world where evidence has been destroyed time and time again and fabrications are abundant. I try to stay more open-minded to anything that isn’t getting pushed by the (hate this phrase) fake news. Slippery-slope fallacy is a bitch; really more of an issue with language over anything else, but maybe not. If we expressed every idea as a math equation of a computer program, would it be possible to communicate at all? Who’s to say. When you read these, I hope it is a conversation. Rather it’s between me and you, or just a moment of self reflection. I hate that being able to have a remotely intellectual conversation like this with some semblance of actual thought behind it is so rare. I honestly don’t know how I live being surrounded by drones who just DONT THINK. I’ve been wronged by black people. I’ve been discriminated by black people. humans are creatures superior because of our pattern recognition. for these reasons i am racist. unless a black person is nice to me, i don’t like that person. i don’t like a majority of people regardless of race. i hate almost every woman I’ve ever met. doesn’t effect my actions… maybe. I hate women. They hate me. Just looking for a girl to pee on me. PISS IN MY EYES PISS IN MY EYES. Take a bubble bath. Let me wash your thighs. X, Y, Z, etc I am rambling. This is probably my worst post yet. Why? I am not drunk right now. The female side of the mind gains from depressants — it is rather evident if you look at youth culture. Dudes just off themselves. Women love being sad. So what did we learn today? I am a threat to myself and to a much smaller extent, greater society — or maybe I am the solution, but that is probably just the individualism youth movement we’ve grown up with speaking. One that makes niggers even lazier and white kids turn sicko mode with their dad’s Springfield. Take your local libtard on a helicopter ride. Night.