What is the point of any of this? Screaming into the abyss that is the internet only to catch the ears of a few redditors – maybe a twitter user now and then. This dark void started as a boys club, and much like freemasonry, it is desperately trying to rebrand. Once upon a time, a woman couldn’t post on the internet without a “tits or GTFO” reply. Now a thread is muted, the poster is banned, eight whiteknights are in the girl’s instant message, and fourteen feminist “news journals” are citing the post three years later as evidence of the “everlingering misogyny online”. There was a short time when a clairvoyant mist of arcane energy coated my brain and filled me with the Holy Spirit. I worked with passion believing that I may scorch the Earth with a mark of my existence – all of this past the age of jumping out of bed in the morning. It was a paranormal intensity that made me feel young again; it was a walking dream where I was emboldened with spontaneous Lovecraftian awareness. This is the closest I’ve been to genius, on the internet and IRL. Coworkers would often guess my IQ, after I’d give them a brief lecture of whatever it was that interested me at the time. Everything used to be so on-the-edge-of-your-seat juicy with gushing back and forth exchanges. Now these novelties have been replaced by the bottle. In some ways, I wish I had the heart to push on. I resent this feeling. “Well what exactly has changed?” you may ask. I am no longer mentally ill, and with its passing has gone all of my interest with life. How counterintuitive. The rumination has finally gone silent. What a strangely wonderful time. My intent in writing this article was to give an honest account of my experiences, and make my thinking clear. I am trying to bring back that magic, but it is not just my mind against me – but the new oligarchical internet police as well. I am surprised that this site has survived as long as it has. I cannot stand a lot of things about WordPress, but I have to give them props where props are due – they are rather lax with their ToS. This doesn’t help with the larger narrative of pushing my voice. I still stand by everything I’ve said here and where I don’t, I update posts a word or two at a time. Whatever. Expect even slower posts from now on.